My healing journey started 25 years ago when chronic illness entered my life. In between spells of debilitating illness I had stretches of time where I could engage in the adventures that defined me: rock and ice climbing, kayaking, trail running, skiing, and generally, moving my body in nature. I looped through the highs and lows this way until 2020 when my health fully imploded. I found myself in an insurmountable spell of illness. Without the ability to sing or speak, fatigued, unable to sleep at night, and rapidly loosing weight, I fell into despair. The experience forced me to confront and embrace mortality.

Since the onset of illness I have worked with countless doctors and specialists. Some of them were compassionate, helped lessen my suffering, some were lazy, disconnected, and they all cost a lot of money. Despite paying them considerable amounts of money I’ve had doctors quit me, withhold lab results, shame me, talk down to me, gaslight me, and almost all of them instilled the belief that my healing was dependent on something outside of myself.

Doctors were not the only people who couldn’t meet me where I was at. Many of my friends and family couldn’t show up for me. My experience with Chronic Illness was one of loneliness and hopelessness. I didn’t know it at the time, but our culture hasn’t yet developed the consciousness to hold difficult human experiences such as uncertainty, aging, death and illness. I also didn’t know that I was not showing up for myself. As a whole, when things get difficult, many of us without a higher calling avoid with anesthesia and amnesia. Because of this people with chronic illness often go unseen and suffer an isolated way of life.

This is not the only way.

When I surrendered into my mortality my world exploded into a beautiful array possibility. It awoke something that had been dormant and my field of awareness vastly expanded. I knew I needed to shift of all the systems that were holding me back from doing my own healing: the healthcare system; the relationship with my ego; friends and family who were boxing me in or unavailable for me; and, more than anything, my own belief systems. My long-held beliefs were thwarting my healing, the largest being how I enabled myself to be victim to my circumstance.

I became my own healer. My spirituality came back online and I began to see many of my beliefs as constructs that could be manipulated, reprogramed, or completely deleted. Transmutation became a practice. I began to trust my intuition and learned how to live from my heart and feelings rather than relying on my thinking mind.

I found people, practices, and spaces that supported my healing path. I sat by creeks and bathed in nature. I meditated and engaged in men’s work. I stopped playing music for approval and transmuted my music to heal myself. I engaged in breathwork, spiritual ceremonies, psychotherapy (IFS and transpersonal art therapy), shadow work which I call shadowscaping, and most importantly I wove into a community of people who reflected and supported who I was becoming.

I continue to transmute myself and integrate what I learn into my life. I struggle somedays with uncertainty and the challenges of illness which is difficult and frustrating. AND, it has given me the gift of a deeper connection to myself and how I can repattern my beliefs. Our ability to transform who we are is powerful. I’ve never felt so alive. I miraculously am able to sing again and everyday is an opportunity to grow.

My transformation began by me committing via choice to heal; however, healing is not done alone. I have been supported by love, friends, the earth, and higher powers. We need each other for connection and to spiral upward together. I am here as a healing guide. I cannot choose your path nor can I heal you, but I can support you in incredible ways. I cannot think of anything more fulfilling than supporting you on the most fruitful adventure of your life, walking the path of your healing journey.